Proverbs tells us, “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment” (18:1). While this verse doesn’t specifically mention the need for friends, it would certainly nudge us in that direction. And, all throughout Proverbs, believers are encouraged towards building a strong network of friendships for mutual refinement—in other words, good and godly friends transform each other, so believers are advised to prioritize them.
I believe Christian friendship is absolutely vital in our modern time. For one, there’s a growing crisis—I don’t think that’s too strong a word—of loneliness and social isolation. Many people today lack strong, meaningful connections, and that absence leads to deep emotional—and even physical—consequences. This isn’t just a problem for the elderly or the vulnerable; loneliness touches the young and old alike. It is no respecter of persons.
There are likely many causes behind this epidemic.
One clear culprit is the paradox of digital connection. Though we’re more connected than ever—thanks to social media and technology—study after study shows a strong link between digital engagement and increased loneliness, depression, and decreased well-being. Why? Because online interactions are often superficial, passive, and addictive. We scroll endlessly, compare constantly, and substitute real relationships for curated digital ones—and our souls suffer for it.
Another cause is our culture of mobility. In many ways, the ability to move—to go to college, pursue a better career, or find more affordable housing—is a gift. But that gift often detaches us from rootedness. It pulls us away from home, from familiarity, from belonging. We find ourselves in new cities, among strangers, and often struggle to rebuild what we left behind.
Add to that the pace of modern life. We idolize individualism, personal freedom, and autonomy, and fill our schedules to the brim. With no clear borders between work and leisure, we’re always on and barely present. We know we need people, we know we crave connection, but we just don’t have time.
So yes, there are many reasons for this crisis. But today, I want to talk about the cure. As I’ve said, Christian friendship is vital. It’s one thing to know the causes of loneliness and isolation, but why is it so important for us to have Christian friendships? Why can’t I just have an AI buddy? Or stay connected online? Or find all my friends at work or the local pub? Or get married and say, “That’s enough—my spouse and maybe my kids are all I need”? Why do I need believing friends?
Here’s what I hope to show today: Christian friendships are a beautiful outflow of God’s nature—and a beautiful outflow of God’s gospel. The book of Proverbs has deep wisdom to offer us about what that looks like.
Friendship Has a Divine Origin
Before we look at what the book of Proverbs has to say about friendship, it’s worth asking where friendship comes from in the first place. The Bible presents God as triune—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. From eternity past—before our galaxy existed, before any galaxy existed, before the angelic realm was created, and certainly before humanity—God lived in perfect, harmonious relationship within himself, without beginning and without end. Father, Son, and Spirit—three persons, one God—operating in beautiful unity and love.
In other words, God is relational by nature. It’s who he is. And when he formed us in his image, he designed us for relationships. Not only with himself but with one another. You might recall that during creation, God declared each day “good.” But the first time he said something was not good was when he saw man’s aloneness.
“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”” (Genesis 2:18, NLT)
That aloneness was addressed first through the creation of a wife, yes—but more broadly, it was addressed through the presence of another human being. We need people. We need connection. We need relationships. We need social support. We need friends.
Because of its divine origin, true friendship is not merely a social accessory—it’s a spiritual reality. That’s why Proverbs grounds all of life, including friendship, in this foundational conviction: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge” (1:7, 9:10).
A deep reverence for God—a love for him, a desire to walk in his ways—fuels the healthiest, richest friendships. Christian friendships are deeply spiritual. They include God. They revolve around what he’s doing in our lives. They are built on something deeper than shared hobbies or similar life stages. They go deeper than affinity—they are rooted in worship.
The New Testament uses the word koinonia to describe this. It’s often translated fellowship, but it also means sharing, participation, or contribution. Koinonia is not just coffee after a service or dessert at life group. It’s a deep, committed bond—a joint participation in life, grounded in Christ crucified.
And this kind of fellowship is uniquely rich. We share a view of reality:
- We believe that God made us in his image.
- We believe that sin broke us—and everything else.
- We believe that God is on a mission to restore all things, including the cosmos and our bodies.
- We believe that he sent Jesus to rescue us through the cross.
- We believe that Jesus is our King, and we now live under his good rule.
- We believe that the Holy Spirit is transforming us.
- We believe that we are swept up into God’s mission to renew the world.
- We believe that Christ will return one day and establish his visible kingdom forever.
These shared realities form the backbone of Christian friendship because they shape the way we view the world. Our priorities, our passions, our pursuits—all of them are informed by our relationship with God.
But fellowship doesn’t stop there—it extends into shared life. In the early church, that meant financial generosity. Throughout the New Testament, we see Gentile churches supporting poor and persecuted believers in Jerusalem. Their giving was more than charity—it was an expression of koinonia, of spiritual friendship.
And while we may not live in a communal society or share all things in common, we should catch a vision of what Christian friendship can look like. It may be aspirational—but it’s worth seeing. A vision for Christian friendship that is tangible, generous, and sacrificial will only help us as we pursue, cultivate, and navigate Christian friendship today.
At the center of all this, though, is friendship with God—together. We rejoice over what he’s doing in our lives. We worship him. We celebrate his grace. And that shared celebration forms the deepest kind of bond.
And while it’s easy to form friendships based on personality, shared interests, similar backgrounds, or age, Scripture reminds us that the fear of the Lord is the essential ingredient for beautiful friendship.
I remember this personally. When I first began walking with Christ, I suddenly found myself drawn to people I never would’ve connected with before. What united us wasn’t music, sports, or life stage. It was Jesus. Their love for him drew me in—and became the foundation of our friendship.
Marks of Good Friendships
What does Proverbs have to say about the marks of good friendships? One overarching theme is that Proverbs understands some friends will be good for us and others will not. There are beneficial friendships, and there are detrimental friendships. This is why Proverbs 12:26 says, “The righteous (the wise, or the knowledgeable, or the people with the fear of the Lord) choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”
The implication is that the fool does not carefully consider their friendships and is instead led away from the righteous path as a result of those friendships. This indicates that much is in the balance when it comes to who we choose to surround ourselves with. Friends are important. They encourage us on the right path. So this helps us understand that friendships are important, but what is the composite picture of a healthy, holy, or good friendship according to the Book of Proverbs?
1. Constant and Unwavering
The first thing I want you to see is that according to Proverbs, a good friendship is constant and unwavering. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” This is not a statement that tries to compare and contrast friends with brothers, as if to say one is better than the other. What it’s saying is that friends are like brothers, and brothers are like good friends. They are helpful at all times—especially in times of adversity.
Proverbs 18:24 echoes this truth: “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Times of calamity will come, and it is so valuable in those times to have friends who stick close by—perhaps even closer than family.
This is an important concept, especially for those of us in Christ Jesus, because Jesus launched a new humanity through his resurrection. By faith, we are brought into the family of God. For many of us, our connections to the family of God are stronger than our connections to our blood family. And life is difficult—filled with challenges. So, it is a great treasure to have people who will stand with you during times of pain and adversity.
Ex: Oak tree
Ex: Mark 2 friends
Ex: Roman shield wall
2. Courageous Candor and Careful Counsel
A second mark of good friendships that Proverbs is careful to highlight is that they are filled with courageous candor and careful counsel. There are many verses that state as much. Proverbs 27:5 is one of them. It says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” A couple of verses later, it says, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” And Proverbs 27:9 says, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” What you have here is rebuke, life-giving wounds, and earnest counsel.
This reminds us of Paul’s statement that we are to speak the truth to one another in a way that is saturated with love from a position or place of love. Godly Christian friends can be honest with one another. This kind of candor and counsel is often hard to give and also can be hard to receive. But when it happens in a Christian friendship that is safe and holy and grounded on the bedrock of the love of Christ, it is like a cheat code for life.
You know what a cheat code is, right? In a video game, some combination of buttons or keystrokes unlocks secret levels, infinite lives, or special powers. When you can develop a Christian friendship to the point that courageous candor and careful counsel can be given and received, you’ve found a precious gift—a cheat code to life.
Our world right now is discovering the power of artificial intelligence to summarize and provide feedback on copious amounts of information. But nothing can beat the Spirit-led, love-filled, discerning counsel of a godly Christian friend.
On this theme of courageous candor and careful counsel, Proverbs also warns us against surrounding ourselves with people who are overly critical or, on the other end of the spectrum, who saturate their words with flattery.
Proverbs 11:9 says, “With his mouth the godless man would destroy his neighbor,” and verse 12 says, “Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense.” Throughout Proverbs, the Hebrew word for neighbor and friend are often synonymous. One speaks of proximity, the other of relational closeness.
Either way, we need to watch out for friends who use their words to harm—who destroy us with their speech, who offend, who belittle, or who simply lack sense in what they say. These are not life-giving friends.
On the other hand, Proverbs 29:5 says, “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.” In other words, words that are always positive and upbeat—even when that type of speech is not called for—are like setting a trap for your friend. True friendship doesn’t mean constant affirmation; it means gracious, discerning truth in love.
Ex: Skilled surgeon
Ex: Trusted navigator
Ex: Nathan with David
Ex: Mirror vs. Filter
3. Committed to Mutual Refinement
A third mark of good friendships, according to Proverbs, is that they are committed to mutual refinement. In other words, there is a desire in Christian friendship for personal spiritual growth and transformation. Both parties in the friendship—or all the parties—crave the Spirit’s sanctifying work in their lives.
Proverbs 27:17 points to this in a classic verse that must be quoted at every men’s event in the history of the church: “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Or Proverbs 13:20: “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”
There is something sharpening—or wisdom-inducing—about having godly friendships that are filled with wisdom. You just can’t grow alone. When you allow yourself to be exposed to holy people—when you bring them into your life as friends—that exposure will so often lead to transformation.
One particular friend of mine comes to mind. He is so discerning in his speech, so intentional in his thought process, and so analytically and biblically careful with his words that every time I am given the pleasure of a lengthy conversation with him, I am greatly challenged. I am not decimated by the quality of his speech or the carefulness of his words or the biblically informed views he holds. I’m uplifted and urged to step up my game.
It’s like the Spirit says to me—not only through the words that my friend is saying, but an additional message: “Nate, learn to talk like this. Learn to have self-control with your speech like this. Learn to add this discipline into your life.”
This is the beautiful reality that Hebrews 10:24–25 speaks of: “Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
Speaking of mutual refinement, Proverbs also warns about friendships with low-character people. Proverbs 16:29 says, “A man of violence entices his neighbor and leads him in a way that is not good.” And Proverbs 22:24 says, “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person. Do not associate with one easily angered.”
The reality is that we will be shaped by our friendships, and it’s harder for us to be positively impacted if we’re in close companionship, friendship, and life-sharing relationships with people of low character—especially those who have refused to live with Jesus as their King.
Now, obviously, there are many people who, for all practical purposes (not theological purposes), fall in the middle of these two extremes. Theologically, we are either fallen short of the glory of God or—by the blood of Jesus—have been declared righteous by God. But practically speaking, there will be many people in our lives who are not believers in Jesus and who aren’t violent or hot-tempered in their day-to-day pursuits.
Sadly, there are also many who profess the Name of Christ who are the angry, violent, or hot-tempered people Proverbs warns about. What Solomon is warning us about—or rather exhorting us toward—is not a delineation between who has said the sinner’s prayer and who hasn’t. He’s exhorting his sons to surround themselves with people of character. High-character people will shape you.
Ex: Running partners
Ex: Bus of young men
How to be a Gospel-Shaped Friend
The Bible says much more about friendship than we’ve explored in this message. And there are many practical steps that churches and individual believers can—and should—take to foster healthy, life-giving relationships. I’ve also not spent much time acknowledging the pain many experience in friendship. The reality is that while friendship with Christ is perfect, friendship with people is not. In every human relationship, we bring our flaws into a mixture with someone else’s flaws, and we try—imperfectly—to walk together in love.
Our friendships are often a mixture of good and evil, brokenness and healing, darkness and light.
But in light of the difficulties we all experience in cultivating meaningful friendships, I don’t want to end this message by simply saying, “Well, if it’s hard, just remember—Jesus is your friend.” While that’s gloriously true, I want to leave you with something more. I want to encourage you to be a gospel-shaped friend. How?
I want us, as a church, to bask in the beauty of interpersonal forgiveness, sacrificial love, and spiritual growth.
1. Be Forgiving.
Forgiveness. Because Jesus came, lived, died, and rose again, we have a vast resource of grace to draw from in our friendships. When a friend disappoints us, we can extend forgiveness. When we disappoint others, we can humbly ask for their grace in return. This is the kind of community the gospel makes possible.
Proverbs 10:12 says, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” And Proverbs 17:9 says, “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.”
Remember, you will never have a friend who is as awesome as Jesus. The entire Bible is a testament to the reality that no one measures up, that all have fallen short of the glory of God, except for one. No leader, every family member, and ever friend—for as wonderful as they might be—should be put on a pedestal. Except for Jesus. He is worthy in every way. In light of this, we should be quick to forgive our friends because, like us, they are sinners in need of God’s grace.
2. Sacrificially Love.
Sacrificial love. The cross of Christ offers us a model—a template—for every relationship we have, including friendship. It’s a picture of self-giving, others-centered love. It’s sacrificial. It’s costly. And it’s worth it.
Proverbs 11:25 says, “Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.”
This is a powerful picture of friendship—especially in contrast to the rivalry, comparison, and competition that mark so many relationships today. But Christian friendships are different. Because of the grace of the cross, we’re free to relate to others from a position of blessing, saying, “You matter—because God made you in his image, and Jesus died for you.”
This stands in stark contrast to the posture of:
- “I’m better than you, and I’ll prove it,” or
- “You’re better than me, and I resent it.”
In Christ, we’re set free from the exhausting dance of posturing and comparison. Instead, we live to bless others, joyfully watering others and trusting we’ll be refreshed in return. This is sacrificial love, and when we lose our lives in this way, we inevitably find them, just as Jesus said.
3. Pursue Spiritual Growth.
Spiritual growth. But I also want to urge us toward Spirit-induced sanctification. Let’s be honest—sometimes our friendships are difficult because we are difficult. And instead of always pointing the finger at what’s wrong in others, it’s good to ask, “Lord, what do you want to change in me?”
Proverbs 19:22 says, “What is desired in a man is steadfast love, and a poor man is better than a liar.”
Steadfast love isn’t just a feeling—it forms our character. It keeps us from becoming unworthy, unreliable, or deceptive. It builds faithfulness and trustworthiness.
Proverbs 20:6 reinforces this: “Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?”
A gospel-shaped friend is someone rooted in the loyal love of Christ—drinking it in, abiding in it, shaped by it. And as they soak in that covenantal love, they become a conduit of that same love to others: steady, sacrificial, and dependable.
Friendship in the body of Christ will never be clean or tidy. More often than not, it will be messy.
But God has designed us for relationships—with himself and with others. And Jesus, through his blood, has formed a new humanity—a new family.
So let’s pursue gospel-shaped friendships with one another!
Study Questions
Head (Knowledge, Facts, Understanding)
- According to Proverbs, what are the primary marks of a wise and godly friendship?
- How does the triune nature of God inform our understanding of friendship’s origin and purpose?
Heart (Feelings, Impressions, Desires)
- When have you felt the kind of friendship described in this message—one that is constant, courageous, and refining?
- Are there areas in your heart that resist or long for the kind of gospel-shaped friendships described in this sermon? Why?
Hands (Actions, Commitments, Decisions)
- Is there a friend to whom you need to offer forgiveness, speak with candor, or draw closer in mutual refinement?
- How might you intentionally bring spiritual awareness into your friendships—through prayer, Scripture, or encouragement?
